As our PM seems to be demonstrating almost every day at the moment, “Sorry” really does seem to be the hardest word, but why? We are all affected by our unique psychologies, our patterns and templates that we
have hard-wired into our brains that result in the balance of our emotions and physical manifestations.
Beverly Engel L.M.F.T. wrote, in her article for Psychology Today, the following list of potential reasons why we might find it so difficult.
1. “A matter of pride.
To apologise is to set aside our pride long enough to admit our imperfections. For some people, this feels far too vulnerable, too dangerous. It means they have to admit they are flawed and fallible, something they refuse to do. And apologising also overrides our tendency to make excuses or blame others. This acceptance of responsibility for our own actions is so out of character for some that it is nearly impossible.
2. A sign of weakness.
To many apologising reflects weakness. These people have a tendency to need to be right and to always be seen as strong
and powerful. But the truth is, apologising for the harm you caused and taking responsibility for your mistakes can actually be seen as a sign of strength.
3. Fear of being shamed.
Some people have been so severely shamed in their childhood that they can’t tolerate any further shaming. This includes admitting when they are wrong or apologising for mistakes.
4. The fear of consequences.
Many people fear that if they take the risk of apologising they may be rejected. "What if he never speaks to me again?" and "What if she leaves me?" are two of our most common fears. Others fear that by apologising they risk being exposed to others or of having their reputations ruined. "What if he tells everyone what I did?" is the common fear of those who fear this consequence. Some people fear that by admitting fault they will lose the respect of others. "What if she think
s I'm incompetent?" Still, others fear retaliation, as in, "What if he yells at me?" or "What if she tries to get revenge?" Finally, the fear of exposure or even arrest may prevent us from doing what we know we need to do. Even those who would like to apologise for wrongdoing hold back out of fear of being sued or arrested, or due to the advice of legal counsel.
5. A lack of awareness. Many people don't apologise because they are oblivious to the effect their actions have on others. They don't apologise because they are simply unaware that they have anything to apologise for. They may be so focused on what others have done to harm them that they can't see how they have harmed others, or they just may be so self-focused that they are unable to see the effect their behaviour has on others.
Each person suffers in one way or another. And each of us is trying to end that suffering in any way we can. Sometimes, in a last-ditch effort to end our suffering, we choose to close off our minds or harden our hearts. When we do this, we accomplish our goal of not being able to feel our pain but we also s
top being able to feel the pain of others. When this happens we act in callous, selfish, even cruel ways without even knowing it. This may give the impression that we don't care when, in fact, we are just blind to the effects of our actions.
6. The inability to empathise.
By far, the most significant reason why so many of us have difficulty apologising is that we lack empathy for others, that quality that enables us to put ourselves in the place of the other person. In order to truly apologise, we need to be able to imagine how our behaviour or attitude has affected the other person. Unfortunately, many people are unable to do this. Some have to be reminded how to have empathy, others have to be taught.”
So, when that apology is stuck in your mouth like a toffee penny, maybe you can really relate to some of this psychological reasoning? But whether its pride, fear, or a lack of awareness or empathy, the fact remains that sometimes we will struggle to move forward when an apology is not forthcoming.
As the one who should be proffering the apology we can feel regret, guilt, shame, worry and anxiety over not having apologised for something we know we really should have, and as the injured party a lack of a heartfelt apology can leave us feeling emotions of resentment, frustration, anger and bitterness, that can all go towards creating further negative templates, adding to our over-filled stress-buckets and potentially causing irrevocable rifts in important relationships and potential for trust.
So is there a solution? Well, yes! By reducing our stress levels in general and increasing our levels of confidence, self-esteem and belief in our abilities and capabilities we can maintain more of the majority of lives in our intelligent mind (as opposed to our negative, emotional, primitive mind). By doing this we are not so readily drawn into those negative, internal, emotional dramas. In other words, we won’t link making an apology to all those negative, emotional responses that might prevent us from giving one. If we could all just apologise, immediately, respectfully and honestly what a difference this could make to all our relationships?
For more information, easy tips and tricks on staying in your intelligent mind, plus free resources to aid stress relief and relaxation, please come on over to the website www.kimhypntoherapy.co.uk
If you’re interested in finding out more about how hypnotherapy could help you, you can also make contact via the website or email me direct at kimsweetlandhypno@gmail.com
Warmest wishes
Kim
To read Beverly’s the full article please visit: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/202006
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